It’s been a really tough week for me. I have had a struggle to get on here and write to you. I haven’t responded to comments or even read other blogs. I feel blocked, I struggled so much with this post. I felt I had nothing motivational or inspirational to say. It takes everything in me to get on here and write this to you. Grief can do strange things to us. Grief is personal and different for everyone. It is not something that is easily healed and time may only deepen the feeling of loss. As more time goes by the loss becomes more real more permanent. Remembering more and more that friend or loved one that we no longer share life with. Experiencing on our own and in our own ways our sorrow and sadness.
Recently I have lost a work colleague. It was sudden and there are many unanswered questions. We at this time do not know the details of what happened and the reality is we may never know. The shock and unknown is hard to accept. It becomes more real when I do not see her at work anymore. I still expect to see her come through the doors. I work with about 50 other people. I have never been in a situation where so many people all grieved at the same time and in such a large group of people I interact with on a daily basis. It’s hard to look anyone in the eye as their grief calls to mine and there is nothing to do but cry together.
In times of loss, for me in the past work can be a place to escape, busy the mind and distract the sorrow in my heart. In this case it is my weakness. I fight myself to be there to have the strength to face the loss and find strength in my peers as we all get through this together. Everybody was affected by this individual in a different way. I feel I have learned more about her in the last week than I have the entire time I have known her. I feel bad for that like I should have done more.
The lady we lost was beautiful with an infectious laugh and smile. She had a passion for what she loved and believed in. I didn’t always get along with her and we have had issues in the past. It’s all I can do to forgive myself for that and move forward in a positive way. She will now always be a part of me as my grief tattoos a scar on my heart. Rest in Peace my friend.