To An Estranged Sister,
I want you to know that I love you that I will always love you. Unfortunately I will never forgive you, I am unable to trust you, and I will never forget you. You have caused more hurt in my life than I think you can comprehend. It’s been almost a year since we last spoke and I have no desire to speak to you now. In fact the very day this posts is the anniversary to the day our relationship ended. I’m not sure if I will ever be ready to accept you again. Though I miss you all the time, the you before all the lies, deception, and turmoil. You know the you before you fell from Grace. I’m not sure how you drift through life carrying on this way consequence free. Know that even though you may not realize, there are consequences for your actions, our lost relationship is a direct result of your actions.
I don’t even really want you to read this because I don’t think you can handle the raw emotions I am speaking about, that somehow you will misinterpret them. Somehow making it about you, and how you are the victim. Also I do not want you to read this in the event that you do understand, it will be painful for you to read these words and I do not want you to be in pain because of something I did, even though that’s what you have done to me. This was hard for me to write and that’s why I know it will be hard for you or anyone else to read.
Your the type of person that will only have me or anyone around in your life only when it is convenient for you. If I had something to say you had the same something only more important. Even if we were comparing laundry piles, you always had more on your plate to chew than anyone else. You seemed to always have the “oh poor me” card to play. Trumping everyone else in your game. The game you played that only you knew the rules to. The game, that in my opinion we both lost. I don’t want to play your game, I do not want to play any game with you. We will not play again, and you have done this to us.
You have left scars in my heart that will never heal. Because of you I am unable to trust, I am skeptical of everything and everyone. My heart is so guarded from others in the event that it will break as you have broken mine. Like a paranoia that you instilled into my soul. In the past you have done so many hurtful things and betrayed me countless times, I just kept forgiving you and now I see these things have progressively gotten worse with age. I forgave you for sleeping with my crush in high school, I forgave you for leaving and breaking mom’s heart, I forgave you for stealing and for lying, I forgave you of being jealous of a friendship I made that you promoted, I forgave you for flirting with my current spouse, but I can not forgive this time. I feel like I do not know you anymore yet I’ve known you longer than almost everyone in my life. Your a stranger, dangerous, and untrustworthy. I am beginning to think that everything you ever said to me was a lie. I am questioning everything, I can’t even trust my own memories with you. Perhaps I never really did know you, only your lies, perhaps you don’t even know yourself and you believe your lies more than the actual truth. I am fearful that I will run into you, that you will try to do somethings that may jeopardize my happiness. I feel I am looking over my shoulder dreading your presence may be near. You have all my secrets, you were there for most of them. You have been there for everything except you were never there for me, and you never will be. You will know no more secrets, I will never confide in you, you will miss out in my life and I from yours. I have worked so hard to be where I am but you are my weakness my heartache, my sorrow, and my fear. You have done this to me.
You chose to end our relationship over text message, this I have kept and saved and sometimes when I think of you I go back and read the hurtful words you said to me to remind myself why you are not in my life. You chose your own selfish reasons over me, yourself and everyone else, made up an elaborate and sickening lie putting others at risk for your selfish revenge. I can’t believe that I believed you for so long. It’s disgusting, my heart aches for those involved. I will not spill the details here to keep those involved, their identities and I’m sure their struggles private. In other words your actions are unspeakable that I can’t even express them and will never forgive you for. Putting those you care about at risk, or even traumatized for life for a selfish revenge is enough words of the situation to get my point across. I can’t believe you lied like that, I can’t believe you would do that and especially to whom you did it to. My heart aches for them. My heart aches because I am not a part of their lives anymore because you took that from me and from them.
I think about you less and less now but every once in awhile when I do think of you I cry, I get angry, and I feel pain. I have almost removed every memento, hid every picture, and repressed every memory of you. I forget more and more, the good times, our memories are replaced with my sadness and anger. I am hoping by writing this letter to you it will give me the closure that I need as you always had to have the last word. I do not plan to unblock you from my life, because since I have done that, things turned out to be much more simple, less stressful, and more enjoyable. Though, there are times when wonderful things happen to me and I want to share them with you but am reminded of the incredible hurt that you will never be there to enjoy and share these moments with. You took that away from us.
I understand that you are hurt and you are in pain too. I understand that you need help. I can only hope that you do get the help you need, that addiction doesn’t consume you. Addiction to your revenge, addiction to your lies, addiction to your sex, addiction to your substance abuse, addiction to the chaos that your create. I can only hope that one day your mind will be clear and you will see the truth, the error in your ways, that you will be able to forgive yourself and heal. I am afraid though that these may never happen for you, I have nightmares that yours will be a difficult journey. A journey I will not take with you, that was your choice when you choose revenge and deceit.
Without you in my life I feel free from the spiraling shit storm. I have had time to process and accept what has happened. I am not writing this because we may be able to mend our relationship I doubt that will ever happen and I know I’ll never be able to trust you again. I am highly skeptical that you even care to know how I feel and you will probably go on and never know. I am okay with that, I only write this to let my feelings free as it is the last thing that holds me back regarding you. You are no longer going to be weakness, my fear, my sadness, or my anger I am free of it. You will only be a distant memory and a life lesson I will never forget. You have shown me everything I never want to be as I will continue to strive to better myself and move on from this.
If you are reading this one day, and you have made it the end, let me say I am sorry you had to read those words here. On the internet, where many have seen it long before you have, and many will continue to see it. I’m sorry if these words hurt you, but I do not regret having put them here as it has helped me to heal and move on. I do not believe you will be ever ready to hear these words but if you are here, than I hope I’m wrong and you understand. I did not write them to hurt you, I wrote them to heal MY hurt. I hope for the best for you and I really do hope you got or get the help you so desperately need.
If you are someone else but was involved in the situation and want to reconnect with me, know that I am here and I love you, I’m so sorry for what happened to you! Be strong and let Faith be with you.